The Journey of ME

曾经，我每天都期待塔罗视频的更新， 渴望从塔罗中找答案。想知道别人怎么想我、有没有人在背后讨论我。特喜欢“他在想你吗？ “同事对你的评价”、“对方后悔了吗？”， “别人在讨论你什么？”，“小人的结果是什么”，这类关于别人的想法的主题，好像它们能帮我找回某种心安，某种不甘心，填补我内心的疤痕。 但最近，我开始觉得烦了。很多时候视频才播放一半，我就关掉了。脑子里冒出一个念头：“这些内容和我有什么关系？又不影响现实生活。” 以前，我会继续看完，心里还盘算着：“活该，你也有今天。” 但现在的我，居然毫不犹豫地点了叉。 我想，可能是我开始把注意力慢慢从“别人怎么想我”转回到“我自己想做什么”了。 我开始学做饭。每天会想：今天要吃什么？有什么菜要准备？要不要去超市买点东西？几点要把肉类拿出来解冻？卡路里多少？ 我也开始走路健身，一天安排5公里的快走时间。第二天不用闹钟（早上7点多）就醒，迫不及待的去量体重，看看瘦了几公斤。 刷小红书/脸书看到楼下新开了一家全家便利店，想去看看。注意到他们现在有在促销，就想等等，怕排队。看到彩椒碗，五颜六色的，就想做来尝尝味道。改良了一些，很好吃。视频下的评价和我无关，我的评价才和我有关。 这些看似琐碎的生活小事，现在却成了我每天的重点。它们让我觉得：我不是在等待一个“命运的转机”，而是在一步一步建造自己的小世界。像一棵植物，把梗扎进土里，开始自己的光和作用。 我不是完全不看塔罗了。偶尔还会点开星座塔罗的视频。但我会挑着看，不再每一个都追完。我开始听从内心的节奏，而不是频道的更新频率。 或许这就是成长。 不是一下子就“高强大”了，而是学会在迷茫中继续生活。 终于明白， “活在当下”是什么意思。

 1. 1 tablespoon for minced ginger and 2 tablespoons for minced garlic.  2. Stir fried them until turn to brown color  3. Add in the peeled shrimp (around 40 peeled shrimp) and continue to stir fried 4. Add some water / 1 can of tiger beer (very nice) and let it cooked for 10 mins. Add some salt before turning off the fired.  5. You can add in cilantro / Japanese cucumber on top and prepared to serve. Ingredient: Minced garlic Minced ginger 40 peeled shrimp 1 Japanese cucumber / cilantro (optional) 1 can of tiger beer (optional)

 Japanese Cucumber salad 1. Cut the Japanese cucumber into small cube 2. Mixed it with salt and apple vinegar 3. Put it into refrigerator for 10mins.  4. Drained the Japanese cucumber salad. Cabbage salad 1. Cut it into small pieces 2. Mixed it with 4 tablespoons of roasted sesame sauce with yuzu flavor and 1 tablespoon of apple vinegar. You can add/reduced the sauce depend on the cabbage used.  Mixed Japanese cucumber salad into the cabbage salad and prepared to serve. 

I am a very lucky person. I get a remote job, have the financial ability to grab food and move at any time.  This job doesn't need me to have much communication with others. The only downside, I feel bored.  So, I found tarot reading channel and I love it. It feels like someone is talking to me, giving me advice. It kills my boredom. I learn how to DIY (do it myself) everything. I want to dye my hair? I just buy the box color online and do it myself. Need fresh vegetable? just order online. I avoid dealing with people at all costs. Money is not a problem for me.  I am actively building and hiding inside my cocoon; A world where nobody could hurt me. It is perfect and comfortable, I am the king inside this cocoon, or I shall name it, castle and I did not allow any doors and windows build on this castle. NO NEED. As the owner of this castle, I announce, I no need friend, I am good on my own. Fuck off, people.  But, still sometime, I remember the laugh I have with my ex...

  I still remember… When I was suffering from gang stalking after leaving that toxic company. Even inside the train, I heard them say: “She is stupid, such a big failure.” My heart screamed: I am tired. Just leave me alone. I just want to stay alive. I turned into survival mode. I worked remotely and took Grab to every destination. Food delivery became my only option. Dine-in? Even though it was cheaper, it was a big “no” in my life. I always texted the rider: “Kindly leave the food outside the unit. I am not at home.” Only God knew — I was actually standing behind the door, waiting quietly. I took the train at 8:30 pm — the least crowded hour. To avoid human. I didn’t want to see anyone. Just not at that moment.  I still couldn’t hold myself steady after all those incidents. But I am aware, I couldn’t live like this forever. If I continued, depression would slowly devour me. So, I started to reclaim my space. I set a routine: I would go back to my hometown twi...